Tooth Post

Everything about a person’s deeply-held beliefs on the role of government in society, economic systems, religion, and politics can be neatly summarized by a 4.0 ounce tube of toothpaste. Not convinced? Well, according to The Washington Post, finding a tube of Tom’s all-natural paste in a friend’s bathroom is a sure identification that she is, “a thinker about issues, a possessor of good books and record albums, an opposer of most wars, a composter perhaps, or at least a saver of natural resources.” In general, I’ve learned, Tom’s aficionados “can’t believe what’s happening to the world: the juvenile music, the vapid television, the ‘lies’ (corporate, especially), the fixation on celebrities, the waste, Dick Cheney and Halliburton, the gas guzzling — the whole concept of America is about to come apart for them. They are an oppressed class right now. They are outraged in a really quiet way.”

Coincidentally (ahem, coincidentally, No? OK…), I myself have been researching this very same subject for the past few months and will share my startling discoveries.

Paste for the People
It’s common knowledge that people who brush with Arm & Hammer paste are communists. And there is ample evidence that Arm & Hammer is inextricably linked to socialist movements. In fact, one-time leader of Arm and Hammer, Armand Hammer, was the son of the founder of the American Communist Party and a pal of Lenin himself.

White Supremacists don’t just use any ol’ toothpaste either. These groups insist on Colgate’s Total Whitening formula and wouldn’t be caught dead with a mulatto paste like Colgate’s “2 in 1″ (toothpaste and mouthwash) or the most insidious culprit of paste mixing, Aqua Fresh.

Other findings:

Art collectors and fans of the Friends theme song, of course, brush only with Rembrandt.

The filthy rich generally prefer Butler

Defenders of diversity training often brush with Crest Sensitivity Protection.

Fans of monosyllabic Brit-pop bands like Blur, Pulp, and Ride, are known to prefer Reach, Aim, or Gleem.

February 23rd, 2004